DOG-gone it
My brother always said hot dogs were made of "lips and a$$holes." He repeatedly reminds my Grandpa of this since it's my Grandpa's favorite food. If you like "lips and a$$holes" - on a stick - this coupon's for you.

Stormy weather
Dammit. My weekend is ruined. I wanted to go shopping Beverly Hills cause I need to buy a wedding gift. Can't do that - cause the Oscars are Sunday and Beverly Hills will be PACKED - not only with celebs getting ready - but tourists galore.

Then Sunday I wanted to go to the farmer's market. Can't do that either. The Beverly Hills one is out - for the same reasons - and the Hollywood one is definitely out since it is just down the street from the Kodak Theatre.

Plus we're on STORMWATCH. Bah humbug.

Say it - don't spray it
I love personalized sh*t. These tees are the bomb. They are all CUSTOM - so you can put whatever you want on it.

I should make one for my first day back at work that says - "MISS ME?"

or maybe - "I LOVE FRIED CHICKEN!!" Oh my god - I totally should make that one.

Here's the site: http://customglamgirl.com/icons_tees.htm

Lost in Translation
My baby boy and I are listening to Elvis Costello -- I think it's making him take a dump - I hope that's not a comment on his musical taste. Should i experiment and play some Color Me Badd??

Speaking of - my brother and I rented Lost in Translation. This is how our brains work -- when Bill Murray was hitting golf balls - we both yelled "IT'S IN THE HOLE!!" a la Caddyshack...

BIG Time

His name is John?

More HUNG

When interviewed William "She Bangs" Hung said he would call his new album - are you ready for this....WHITE DRAGON.

Ridiculous.

DECAF
I have serious depression. How the hell can you just stay home and watch tv all day - before I used to think a life like that sounded like a dream. Now I'm living the nightmare.

And why is Greg Brady doing "Airborne" sickness pill commercials? It's all so weird, this daytime tv.

I left the house and went to the grocery store. I also called my mom and cried and talked to her and now I feel better. Either that or the Starbucks I had was not decaf after all, and I'm just high right now.

GUACO--

Angie Everheart was yje MOLE. Who knew??

Second WEAK
Ryan Seacrest took over for Rick Dees. I have no comment on this. The statement itself says it all. Tonight ALL these people sucked. All the people who didn't make it were probably pissed...

Matthew Rogers
Who cares if you played in the Rose Bowl. No one.

Noel Roman
God this was the worst thing I have EVER heard. I'd rather hear William Hung.

Kara Master
"Let me out this misery" - truly that lyric said it all.

Briana Ramirez-Rial
To quote my friend Skog - "if there was a Queer Eye for the straight GIRL - they would make her over to look like this girl - with a wife beater and suspenders..."

Lisa Leuschner
I really love that song - but hello - does she not look like TIFFANY circa 1987?

Jesus
Can you believe that is really his name? Kyle wanted to name the baby that but I vetoed it. ANYWAY- that kind of sucks that they put both brothers in the same week. God I love that Brian McKnight song and this fool butchered it.

Camile Velasco
This chick is from Hawaii. My sister in law and everyone on the island is waiting with for the Hawaii people to come on. Let's just say that last year's JORDAN SEGUNDO is opening a Daiei somewhere in Waikiki....

Marisa Joy
The new trend for big breasted women is to wear shirts that have a deep V- and then have a strap that goes across you massive cleavage. See "Star Jones."

OPRAH

I just threw my baby in his crib so I could run down to my computer and enter to win tickets to see Oprah in Los Angeles. Priorites - ha!

Hey man, she might give away some good stuff....

Mr. Big Stuff

I'm kind od glad Sex in the City is ending. Last night - Carrie finally told off BIG
- thank god - it's about time. I know she's coming back - how could she stay away from New York, after all? And someone explain how she could afford to shop at Dior on a writer's salary?

Speaking of my own shopping mishaps - while at the mall the other day - the lady at the Chanel counter shouted "Hey! I haven't seen you in so long - how are you?" And I was like, what the hell - does she know me? And she looked at my lips - which - granted were dry as hell- and she said, "oh god - your lips!!!!!!!!!!" and jammed a mouthful of lip cream into my mouth. Holy crap it tasted horrible. I was eating that stuff. I actually went home and vomited - i'm not kidding. Ugh. She then proceeded to beg me to do my makeup and then inform me that she finally has a "boyfriend." dude - do I care makeup lady? And do I care that he is the manager at the Macaroni Grill? I think not.

Anyway - from there I went to my favorite store - Lucy - (all you gals named Lucy out ther should go to this store cause they have cute things with your name on it!) anyway - the salesgirl there- who - i admit - does remember me since I shop there so often says, "Damn - did you have your baby cause you are waaaayyy skinnier." Sheesh. I suppose that's a compliment.

I think I'll stick to my online shopping - these salesgirls are killing me.

Today my mom came back from her business trip and gave me some reprieve from the baby. So I went to the mall all by myself! First time I've stepped out of the house in over 3 weeks. Good lord. Course my grandma called just as I was leaving...

Gram: Hi - did your mom call?
Me: Yes, she said her plane was delayed.
Gram: Her plane is delayed.
Me: Yeah .....got that.
Gram: Do you think it was the weather or terrorists?
Me: Uh - are those my only two options? Sheesh - what if it just had engine trouble?
Gram: Oh yeah, engine trouble. What else did she say?
Me: Nothing
Gram: Did she tell you about anything horrible that happened on the trip?
Me: God no! Why are you assuming the worst, what about the good things that may have happened on the trip?
Gram: I wanna know about the bad things.

I don't know why my grandma is so fatalistic these days but now my answer for everything wil be "It's the terrorists." For instance - when my grandma asks why i'm late coming over this sunday - I'll say, "must be the terrorists."

Deliver me...
As my baby barfs down the back of my shirt. I think to myself, man, I need to go to the grocery store. Remembering that Vons.com has delivery - I wonder aloud how melty would buying lemon sorbet be, if bought online? I go to their website only to discover they've discontinued their services!! Damn picketers.....

It's me - Ned - Ned Ryerson!!

I haven't left the house in over three weeks. That's right I said THREE WEEKS. It's like freakin' GROUNDHOG DAY up in here. All I do is feed, change diapers and wait to do it every three hours...every...day. The only way I know my day is half over is when Oprah comes on at 3pm.

I gotta get out of here...

C is for COOKIE
I love cookies - and Elenis is the king of cool cookies - but would I eat one with a picture of Ghandi on it - I think not. Figgy may want a whole box of Johnny Depp. Or maybe Sean Penn...but only as Spicoli....

It's just a rumour that was spread around town
Please read Wil Wheaton's blog entry entitled "SHIPBUILDING." That is some good stuff. I first became enamored with his blog when I noticed he quoted a lot of Elvis Costello lyrics, HEY! That's twice I've mentioned Elvis Costello in the past two blogs! What is up with me?

Anyway, Wil is a great writer. How many times have I sat in a Starbucks and thought the exact same thing. I also feel the same way every time I see a white van - especially when it's parked next to my car. I always feel like that side door is gonna slide open and someone is going to abduct me...

Cruelty to Animals

play this:

Smack the Pingu

Click once to drop the penguin from his ledge, click again to swing your bat and smack him as far as you can...