Friday, September 01, 2006

Step on a crack. Break yo mama's back.

I deserve my own Lifetime Television movie. It will be titled "How my baby tried to kill me...the first time." I'm pretty much done with this abusive relationship. The Baby - he's a bruiser. He'll look at you with a cute smile and then try and bludgeon you to death.

So far I have bruises all over my arms, I've been bashed in the face with a plastic donut, kicked in the neck, spit upon, and he even took a maraca (yes we have some thanks to some fool who thinks it's funny to give kids loud musical toys) and smashed it right into my eye.

Today was the last straw. He is so massive (same weight as the 2 year old Kid, mind you) I went to pick him up, and an intense pain shot right through my chest. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying. Stupidly, I went to lift him again, this time to get him safely into the playpen so I could lie down. Big mistake. The pain struck again, this time it was so intense I couldn't feel my left arm and I fell to the ground, baby in my arms and all. I couldn't move. I really thought I was having a stroke. I tried to call for help and GET THIS: The Baby crawled over and took the phone out of my hands and threw it across the room. Son of a! My husband came home to find me lying on the ground. We went to the hospital and after tests, some rest and lovely drugs, I feel much better. It was only a pulled muscle thank god, but man did I get the wind knocked out of me.

Damn my fat killer Baby.
.

7 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm so glad you're ok! Remind me to bulk up before I see Baby again!

Thursday, August 31, 2006 9:15:00 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Oh my gosh!!! So glad you're OK!

Friday, September 01, 2006 6:06:00 AM  
Blogger joyce said...

oh my! hope you feel better.

Friday, September 01, 2006 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Will said...

People better bring good birthday gifts or he'll stab them.

Friday, September 01, 2006 11:20:00 AM  
Anonymous myra said...

That is one hard core baby! Glad to hear that you are okay.

Friday, September 01, 2006 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

See the email I sent you at 4:30 this morning. I hope you were wise enough to bring a sweater to the hospital. I should have known better...I was freezing at the one we went to.

Friday, September 01, 2006 3:01:00 PM  
Anonymous kat said...

Estrogen channel no kidding. Margaret Cho could play you. Keanu could cameo as Kyle. A botoxed Jane Seymour or Kate from NCIS could play me...;).

Friday, September 01, 2006 3:09:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home