Pregnant for the last time

I am exhausted. The Kid has decided to 'test' me every night. Calling for me every 2 minutes, thinking of ways to get me to come to his room. I know he's a mama's boy, and I know he only wants ME, but dammit if it doesn't rile me up. I spanked him last night for being so naughty, then felt incredible guilt about it and ended up tossing and turning unable to sleep. It also made me not want to have any more kids. Ever.

The title of this post IS a song, that only some, or two, of you would know. Anyway, yes. I am never going to be pregnant again. This is my plan despite seeing the cutest little girls at daycare and immediately wanting one of my own to put in dresses and buy barrettes for. But no. Not going to happen.

So as my Baby's ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY (that was fast) approaches, I am starting to load up all the outgrown clothes and baby toys. Goodbye tiny baby socks. When in the world were my children's feet ever 2 inches long? Goodbye swaddler blankies. My GIANT BABY never even used these. Damn that kid is a waster. Not when it comes to food of course. Goodbye breast pump. You and I have had some intimate moments together, where we'd probably need to share a cigarette.

Mind you, last time I gathered up outgrown stuff, there was an 'accident.' Of course I am glad for the accident, but at the time...ANYWAY, I just want to rest on this heap of clothes and doze off...zzzz.
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Michael: "I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost."

Not wanting a repeat of last week's debacle, being in another state, time difference, blah blah blah, this week I took out extra insurance to make sure that I saw the Office. Basically...I hightailed it over to Nanners house where she fed me and sat me on the couch so I wouldn't miss anything. It was nice. And delicious. Oh my, was that episode cringe-worthy.

With that I give you...MORE HAWAII PICTURES. God will it ever end? Well, this time, it's all about food, baby!! Mostly shave ice. Since that was my lunch every day. One place that I really like is Ice Garden in Aiea. Why? ---Cause they put mochi balls on top! Sweet mochi balls, oh the yum!

Course you have to order by number, which I hate. I hate ordering by number, what is my prob? I just don't believe that I have to stick to one sequence of options, that's why. But whaddya know, MY EXACT fave combo is right there. Number 9. Root Beer shave ice with ice cream and mochi balls. Yep. That's all me.

Click HERE for pictures.
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Let'em recognize from Longbeach to RosecransBumpin and grindin like a slow jam, it's west side

People find it hard to believe that my conversations with O.G. are real, but they are exactly as I write them in this blog.

So, I made this little illo of her likeness, put it in a book with all the best O.G. stories along with some really crazy new ones. Now you can get them HERE.



I showed it to O.G. and she had two reactions:

1. "Why do I look fat? You should draw me more beautiful."
2. "Everything in here is a lie."

How can you not want to read more from this woman?? Also you get a free button. So it's worth $2.50, right?
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Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice....it's kau kau time.

Jenn: "What's everyone doing?"
Kid: "Sitting down. Eating dinner."
Jenn: "Mmm. Yum. What are they eating?"
Kid: "Broccoli. And rice. And furikake."
Jenn: "Wow, how healthy."

I figured Aquaman liked furikake. But Lex? Who knew.

Some people have to be, permanently togetherLovers devoted to each other forever

Well let's see. You know what home feels like? It's like the best hug you've ever had and you never want to let go. Yeah, I didn't get that Sunday night. Seeing as how my plane...never...took...off. *sigh*

Really, aside from the BWE (Best Wedding Ever) the week was pretty craptacular. (Note: next vacation will consist of me - sans kids, sans husband, going to an undisclosed location where no one will ever find me. And you will never hear about it.) The plane not taking off just capped off the week. We got to the airport, got on the plane for our 10pm flight. I got the kids fed and calm and totally asleep just in time for take off. *aahhh* What could go wrong? Cut to an hour later where we are still on the plane. Then another hour. At this time they announce that we had to get OFF the plane totally, and either go to a hotel or go home, cause the airport was closing. But we HAD to be back at the airport by 5:30 in the morning. In other words, you don't have to go home, but you have to get the hell out of here. Nice. Finally, 12 hours later, I made it to L.A.

Otherwise, I suppose it was an ok week. Here are some wedding pics. General Hawaii pics to be loaded probably, tomorrow. I'm glad to be home. *hug*

(my freshly painted toes and a dolphin swimming in the backround)

Head for open waters, Big Tuna

Well I finally saw the Office. Thank you, youtube, you are my best friend. It was worth the wait. EXCELLENT episode. I don't like Jim and Pam being apart all season though. Nope. That is no good.

The wedding last night was perfect. The bride did a great job being super organized and planning everything to perfection. I, of course, totally lost it and cried when I gave my speech - which was basically just a release to the end of all of this craziness. I'm glad it's over, I have amazing pictures to download when I get back. There's nothing like being married in Hawaii, especially when a rainbow appears overhead while you are announced as husband and wife.

It's a been a long week. Lots of planning, lots of just, stuff. I am going to have shave ice one last time, then I'm heading for open waters. I'm coming home.
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You don’t call retarded people “retards.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Yeah, it's 4am L.A. time as I post this.

So...um...tonight. Tonight there was lots of sake and beer and homemade sushi. None of which I took part in, honest. I am simply telling you that to distract you from the fact that I did...NOT...watch the Office. *sigh* I am shaking my head weepily in disbelief myself. Don't get me started on the why or what or...let's just say that I am a good friend who is helping her friend have the best wedding ever. The end. Sacrifice, people.

After much cross-time-zone-text-messaging, Nanners filled me in on the episode. It sounds like a winner, which I will watch in full next week, banking on the fact that my Tivo still loves me. Heres' a picture of the groom-to-be drinking out of a sake box. How's that for proof? Eh. Here's your damn recipe. Phooey.
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Here's the last of this week's recipes. I hope it was worth sticking around for. At least you know they are all tested and tasted. Look for my new tv show a la Paula Deen and sons, except me and the Kid + the Baby. HA!

Speaking of Southern cooking and moms...as kids, my mom often made Jambalaya for dinner. I know, we're Southern like that. Southern Californian. When I got older, I used to enjoy making this on a Sunday, when I had plenty of time to take care and simmer it just right.

Nowadays, I'm on the go and so I tried a variation using the crock pot, and I'll be damned if it isn't just as good. Still, I call it "Cheater's Jambalaya" cause really, there is no work involved, just chop up junk, throw it in there, and you're done. Well, you have to make rice too, but if you don't want to you can throw that in there too. Cheater.

"Recipe for: Cheater's Jambalaya"

Mom always said, 'Don't play ball in the house'

TONIGHT. Just saying.
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The Kid hates potatoes. Especially mashed potatoes. This is obviously not my son and he was switched at birth with some fat, potato-eating baby that is really mine. In order to get him to at least try some, I thought I'd make it into something fun and easy to manage, as the fork and spoon seem to be his enemy as of late.

So BRING ON THE BALLS. Potato balls, that is. Sure it's a mashed potato-veggie combo, rolled in potato chips, but who doesn't love potato rolled in...more potato?! Yeah, yeah, childhood obesity, blah blah blah. My Kid only weighs 20 pounds so he can stand to pack on a few.

Let me tell you, these are yummy. Even for OLDER fat kids, like me. And hey, 95% veggies, so I don't wanna hear it. It's good, and well, who doesn't love balls?*

Potato Balls recipe, HERE.

*I am almost certain that sentence alone will solicit a windfall of emails/IMs full of songs about robot+clone sex+balls of some sort, but I'll take my chances.

Hm. Where am I?

What have I been doing around here? Not much. I've been waking up at 5am cause, you know, time diff, jet lag, the kids ain't havin' it. Which is ok. It's nice at 5am. It's not hot yet and dead quiet. Nice. I read blogs and email, sit around, steal the car and go to the craft store. All the same stuff I do at home.

There is a lot, A LOT of good food around here. I am trying not to eat cause I would like to be able to fit in my dress on Saturday, thanks. Still, last night I had a piece of Chocolate Haupia Pie - I don't even like haupia, in fact I hate coconut, but damn...it was GOOD.

More importantly I am here to tell you about tomorrow night. The night of all nights, THE OFFICE is back. Watch it. I will be doing so while I package up wedding favors.

I'm off to go eat shave ice now. Mmm...Hey. It's hot out.

Pork chops...and applesauce

There's something about wearing slippers and driving myself around in a pickup truck that makes me feels like I'm in the country. Maybe I need to put a shotgun in the back.

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Slow cookery is being put to good use around here lately. I'm not a huge fan of it, seeing as how mushy food makes me kinda ill, but sometimes you get some good results.

All the work is prep, of course. And me, not too patient with the peeling. If I was an Iron Chef, maybe. Watch Sakai peel this apple. Fast, man!

This recipe for sweet pork chops+squash+apples is pretty darn good, if you've got a sweet tooth, and boy do I. It also reminds me of Fall. I love Fall.

sweet pork chops+squash+apples recipe, HERE.

Rhymes with orange

Rhino Records GOTH box set. Out today. AWESOMEST THING EVER.
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Ok, seriously. Any way that I can entertain my Kid, I'll do it. However my talent is not in singing and dancing, therefore he will be entertained while dining.

I decided to try my hand at these Jell-o 'orange slices.' Easy enough, if you take the time to clean out the rinds just right. Which I did not, cause who gives a damn, right? Well let me tell you, you poke one tiny hole in that sucker and the Jell-o spews right on outta there. Crap.

Anyway. It's a cute idea.

Jell-o 'orange slices' recipe HERE.

Sweet on you

Well it looks like my Kid might be allergic to dairy. And eggs. And food coloring. Good freakin' lord. This is what you get when you take all your pre-natal vitamins, exercise, do all the right things - you get a sickly bastard. Meanwhile, with the Baby, I drank Coke everyday and did everything short of bungee jumping, and look at him! Healthiest child in the known universe.

That being said, I made these Vegan Brownies for the Kid. No milk, no eggs, no chocolate. No chocolate in brownies, say wha? Well, you use cocoa powder, but let me tell you, quality ingredients make all the difference. Don't go buying that Hershey's sh*t in a can and expect greatness, OH NO. You must use good quality cocoa to get good quality brownies. I use Valrhona that I buy in a big ol jar from Surfas. Makes all the difference. Trust me on this.

Vegan Brownie recipe, HERE.

Kiss me goodbye, when I'm on my ownyou know that I'd rather be home

Daily recipes.
Starting Monday.
Here.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Jenn's list of DOs and DON'Ts:

1) Do NOT change a poo-ey baby diaper after you've just eaten brownies. NOPE. Don't do that.

2) When 'racing' with your Kid in public, don't yell, "I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU!" You will inevitably be misunderstood when you really mean, 'I am winning this race, yes I am.' In fact, that is what you should say. To avoid child services. You know.

3) I DO plan on growing the Baby's hair out, a la Suri Cruise. That or I'll just buy a 'Baby Toupee.'

4) DO sit by yourself in the back of the plane and point to your husband and the kids and yell, "Damn Mister, can you shut your kids up? Christ!"

5) Packing three+ pairs of shoes in a suitcase is a pain.

That last one isn't a do or a don't. It's more of a...yikes.
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She's gone, oh I, oh I, I'd better learn how to face it

Did you smell it? I woke up to that wonderful smell, that of Fall. The crisp cool air, the tasty one that makes you want to cuddle in your sheets all day. I love that smell. I look forward to it every year. It's finally here, and we have to leave for the hot, hot heat of tank top weather. *wah*

I am pre-writing the blog posts for next week. A recipe a day, starting Monday. You won't be disappointed. This is some good stuff, and easy to make. Leave a comment if the recipe sounds ok or crap-tastic.

Also, I'm mobile, bitches!

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Caroline laughs and it's raining all day

Well you know I love shoes, and now I have a pair of PINK ones. I should wear them everyday to get good use out them. With shorts and a t-shirt. A business suit. Work out clothes...So I tried on the dress with the shoes. It wasn't bad. Heck it wasn't good either. The bride said, "Wow, you have sexy legs." HA! Perv.

Anyway, the weird thing - dyed shoes. In the store, under artificial lighting, they looked PEACH next to the dress. Outside, they looked perfectly fine. As you can tell in this picture, they look gold, which is ever weirder. They're like chameleon shoes or something.

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job

Some dude at work asked me if I just graduated from college. Ha! Man, that is RICH! Hi-larious. Try like 10 years ago, buddy. I guess I still look 23. Yay me. I should have said, "No, I'm just asian," but I can't say crazy sh*t...yet, as it is a new job and all. This job is insane. Lots to do and I'm only there from 8am to 12pm everyday.

Speaking of 10 years ago, and more, I have known the bride of this upcoming wedding for over 15 years and I have to write a speech for the reception. Totally forgot. Giving a speech in front of people doesn't really bother me, as I've had to do a million times for school and work, the only reason this is better - hopefully these people are drunk.

We leave in 4 days. While I'm gone I was thinking of posting a of bunch recipes. Does anyone have interest in reading such things? Hello? *silence* Eh. Fine.
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Don't walk away. I need you more than words can say.I feel for you, this everlasting flame.

In the past few days I have felt 1) Guilty 2) Depressed 3) Angry - All of the above. This whole daycare thing is killing me. It's nice to be loved, but damn. Today the Kid threw a hissy of grand proportions, freaking out to the point of faux-fainting. I felt like I needed to get a fan and some smelling salts for his Southern belle, ass.

I needed a break, so my cousin insisted that we go to Old Navy so she could buy clothes for the Baby. She feels that he is getting shafted as a 'second child' by having to wear the Kid's hand me downs. Not really. Since they are the same size, there's nothing much to hand down, but whatever. She got the Baby a whole new wardrobe and was very satisfied that his entire life would be changed because of it.

Meanwhile I decided to look around, since I had to throw out half of my wardrobe as well. I haven't worn this small of a size in like, ten years. Odd. Especially since I had pie for lunch and dinner today. HA! Three words: ALL* PIE* DIET. Anyway, I found the cutest mini skirt I have ever seen and I have decided to wear this every non-work day possible as it is the cutest skirt ever. My cousin also guilted me into being a good mother and buying the Baby his very own Halloween costume because...well, yes, I was going to give him the Kid's old one. Oh well. All I can tell you is...BABY MONKEY.

*not my kid*

It was always special, it was like water down the drain,I'm always intoxicated, every time I hear your name

I took the Kid to a 'water play area'. This is in quotes, because it is NOT a water play area, yet every idiot in the town feels the need to strip their kids down to their skivvies and let them frolic around in that recycled water which is now contaminated by their dirty ass kids who 'swim' in the water. It's a water art piece people, not your personal swimmin' hole.

So the Kid, he loves to throw pennies into fountains. Any body of water he immediately reaches for my purse and asks for "moneyies." Hey man, I'm not a bank, get a job! 2 year olds can earn their keep too, you know.

So we go to the 'water play area' and I hand him 3 pennies. But first I tell him, "you know, when you throw these, you are supposed to make a WISH." He looked at me puzzled like. "Wish for something you really really want!" I tell him.

He looks down at his pennies, then at the water, then at me. He takes the first one, tosses it and says, "CUPCAKES!" Good start, I'd say. Second wish. He takes the penny, throws it, and says, "LOLLIPOPS!" Nice. Who doesn't want a wish full of sugar? Third and final penny. This is huge, as the Bank o' Mommy is now closed.

He looks at the penny, and I say, "Make one last wish, baby..." He holds it up, throws it hard and says, "MORE PENNIES!"
Smart kid.
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All the islands in the oceanAll the heavens in motion

Why does listening to A-HA make me dance? This is what people will be thinking as they watch me listen to my iPod on the airplane.

I can't believe we are leaving for Hawaii in less than a week. Panic is setting in. So is packing. Panic and packing. Will you miss me? Probably not. I will miss you, that's for sure. I basically begged the bride to give me tasks to do, as I am bored senseless when I go to Hawaii. This is why we haven't been back in two years. My plan was to meet up with friends, but they work during the day. Damn you friends, with your no-vacation lives. You're ruining mine.

Also I am not the relaxing kind of girl, obviously. Especially when it's motherf*ing 88 degrees outside and 98 degrees INSIDE the inlaws house. I'd probably love Hawaii more if I had a nice a/c'ed place to stay. I'd rent a car, but there is nowhere to go...as it's A GODDAM ISLAND. I could just drive around all week. HEY! I could totally sleep in the car with the a/c on! At least that way I'd keep cool and do a hell of a job ruining the environment! Two birds, one stone. We hate birds anyway.

As you can tell, it's late. And I am punchy. Did this Saturday post bore you? Then check out these potatoes. And shut it.
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Let me take you on a trip

So the Kid wakes up and says, "Mommy. I want to go to Disneyland." I said, "Nope, not today." Then he paused and said, "Then can we go to Soup Plantation?" Eh? Yeah, cause those two are sooo very similar. Can you imagine the rides there? Big Thunder Mountain of Croutons. Mr. Toad's Wild Rice. Ok. I've got nothing. bffjeninatlanta told me that Soup Plantation is called "Sweet Tomatoes" in the South because of the 'negative' connotations of the word 'plantation.' Interesting.

I do love salad. I could eat it every meal but I like the picking and the choosing of the salad items. Maybe I just like taking my own food. Hm. Maybe that's why I have so many platters and serving pieces around here. I never thought of that.

Well I gave him his wish and we went to Soup Plantation and he ate so much he got a tummy ache. That's not saying much since my Kid barely eats a handful of food per meal. Course all he ate was olives, corn and some boiled pasta. He was happy though. So I guess Soup Plantation does give you the same joy as Disneyland. Who knew? It's gotta be better than penisland, where Will wants me to take him.
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ahoy matey

Well this pirate party is in full effect, yo. The invitations will be going out soon, and I've got some of the favor stuff already. What have I learned from all of this? I should never have picked a pirate theme. UGH.

I don't know why, but I am having the hardest time getting into this. Instead of working on it, I spent time redrawing the Kid's pirate sword. It looks way more piratey now. And I am happy. But still, I've done nothing.

I'll spare you the details of why, but I've been trying to find different variations on pirates. Pirates of the Carribean, of course. Playmobile pirates. Lego pirates. Peter Pan (Captain Hook). Wiggles (Captain Feathersword). I dunno. I really can't think of any! I've just been trying to collect pirate themed junk information, just for my mind. I'll sort out what I plan to do with this stuff (if anything) later.

I also received my bulk shipment of pirate eye patches today. Arrggh indeed.
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Love bites

Well the day started off ok, then...hm. Not so much. It was nice to be back in an office again, but damn was it hectic. For a part-time half-day person, I was freakin' swamped on day one. I had meetings all day, and I even had to go to the job site, which, if I would have known, I would not have worn heels...that's for damn sure. Ouch.

As for the Kid? Well the drop off went suprisingly well. So much so that I felt weepy that he didn't care about me. THEN I went to pick him up. OH LORD. Turns out once the little bugger realized I was gone, he went into full bawling mode. Poor kid. When I put him to bed tonight - I cried, cause I felt like I had let him down.

The good thing is - all the teachers said, "He's the sweetest little boy ever!" And I know they ain't lying cause I looked at the paperwork in the cubby of the kid next to him and it said, "Your son Steve bit another child and he was reported to the school staff." Nice one Stevie, stay away from my sweet kid, thanks.
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D*day

101 Ways to be a Crappy Mom, by Jenn.
#11:
Tell your Kid that you are going to give him his fave dinner of cold tofu+soy sauce+furikake. Strap him into his booster seat.
When he is done eating, yank the chair back, pin a towel around his neck and SHAVE HIS HEAD.

This is the only way my Kid will get his hair cut. The mere mention of the cutting of the precious hair and he goes into some odd crazy dance that is accompanied by loud screaming. Poor Kid. He'll never look at tofu the same again.

He HAD to have a haircut, as today is the big day. First day of daycare for the Kid, and first day back to work for me. I am very nervous, not so much about the job, (although I probably should be), but more nervous about how the 'drop off' is going to go with the Kid. We've discussed it, and he kind of gets it, but really, how much can a 2-1/2 year old 'get'? I hope he still loves me by 3pm.

There's a tear in the fabric of your favorite dress and I'm sneaking glances

Well the wedding is a few weeks and boy, do I look awful in this bridesmaid's dress. It's not my wedding, so who cares, but the brown ribbon across the waist? Good lord it might as well be a neon light pointing to my fatness. Also this dress, while cute, was clearly made for a TALL girl, as it was supposed to be knee length but when I got it, it hit my ankles. HA! Comical, really.

Luckily my other Grandma is a seamstress and she fixed the whole darn thing in a day. She's quick like that. She has this incredible knack for never needing a pattern, just being able to look at a person and knowing what to do. If only I had that sort of talent.

Here's a picture of the bridesmaid's dress (that's not me, obviously). I wonder - is it possible to lose 30 pounds in 10 days? UGH.

Step on a crack. Break yo mama's back.

I deserve my own Lifetime Television movie. It will be titled "How my baby tried to kill me...the first time." I'm pretty much done with this abusive relationship. The Baby - he's a bruiser. He'll look at you with a cute smile and then try and bludgeon you to death.

So far I have bruises all over my arms, I've been bashed in the face with a plastic donut, kicked in the neck, spit upon, and he even took a maraca (yes we have some thanks to some fool who thinks it's funny to give kids loud musical toys) and smashed it right into my eye.

Today was the last straw. He is so massive (same weight as the 2 year old Kid, mind you) I went to pick him up, and an intense pain shot right through my chest. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying. Stupidly, I went to lift him again, this time to get him safely into the playpen so I could lie down. Big mistake. The pain struck again, this time it was so intense I couldn't feel my left arm and I fell to the ground, baby in my arms and all. I couldn't move. I really thought I was having a stroke. I tried to call for help and GET THIS: The Baby crawled over and took the phone out of my hands and threw it across the room. Son of a! My husband came home to find me lying on the ground. We went to the hospital and after tests, some rest and lovely drugs, I feel much better. It was only a pulled muscle thank god, but man did I get the wind knocked out of me.

Damn my fat killer Baby.
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