Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Long as you know, that, I could have any man I want to,
Baby that's actual and that's factual

5 Reasons I might die soon:

1. Let's get this straight, the only thing I hate more than mayonnaise, is polka dots, so. You get the picture. I made the Kid some tuna salad cones with the leftover mini cones from the ice cream party. DENIED. He had no interest whatsoever so I ended up eating it - only to look at the mayo bottle and see it expired...Jan 2007. Not that bad, but bad enough for me.

2. That tiny area, below my shoulder, left of my boob, right before my armpit? It hurts. Like, killer hurts. WTF?

3. The Kid just came up real close to me. Looked me in the eye and said, "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES." Cute...yet still spooky. (check out this youtube video. Johnny Depp touching himself is funny. That didn't come out quite right...)

4. I spent all day putting eyedrops in cause my eyes were super dry. Midafternoon I looked at the bottle and it had expired in Nov 06. Gross.

5. I was in my car singing along to TLC's "Baby, baby, baby," when I felt this...BUMP. The guy behind me hit me. I looked in my rearview mirror, nothing. No acknowledgement. For some reason I decided to put on my brake. Get out of the car. In rush hour traffic, mind you. Walk right up to his headlights and yell, "WHAT THE FUCK? You know you hit me, right? ROLL BACK MOTHERFUCKER!"

He stayed in his car. I kept standing there. He wasn't getting out. I looked at my bumper and assessed that there was no damage. So I gave him one more "ASSHOLE" and I got back in the car.
a. He didn't shoot me.
b. Anyone who is afraid of a 5'-1" asian chick yelling at them deserves to be called ASSHOLE in the middle of the street, I say.

Yeah, that last one is probably mostly why I am going to die. Someday. But hey, if you're gonna mess with my car at least give me a courtesy wave. Dick. More importantly - mmm, Johnny Depp.


Blogger Nanette said...

You should have yelled at the driver, "IF I DON'T FIND OUT WHO PUT MY CALCULATOR IN JELLO, I'M GOING TO LOSE MY FREAKIN' MIND!" and then kick a trash can.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Rokes said...

You're hilarious, Jenn!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you , jenn!! I look forward to reading your blog everyday.
I have never commented before... but ROLL BACK MOTHERFUCKER brought me out of hiding!!
keep it up woman, you rock!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 6:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Jessica V said...

I had someone bump me like that, give no acknowledgement of what they had done, and then, when I moved up a few inches, bump into me AGAIN! That time I had to get out of the car to politely scream - "could you stop effing hitting my car?" It worked - they stopped.

And I agree with the previous comment - ROLL BACK MOTHERFUCKER is the best start to my day that I could have asked for!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Rokes said...

Actually, I had a similar situation during a yoga session (Shiz can confirm)! The girl in front of me was too close - I kept moving back to give myself room, but then SHE kept moving back! I was near the wall and couldn't move back any more. After doing it a few times, she moved back one last time and I said, "Uh, you're a little CLOSE!" I would have liked to have said "Move up motherfucker!", but I think it would have ruined the "zen" moment we were supposed to be having!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 11:22:00 AM  
Blogger joyce said...

hear me roar! -- wow jenn!
tuna salad in cones?? not sure my son would be down with that.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 3:52:00 PM  
Anonymous myra said...

#5 reads like a rap song to me. "Roll Back Motherfucker" by JustJenn.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 6:04:00 PM  
Blogger PurrrL said...

An ex-boss of mine who once commented that "asians have no sense of humor", should really read your blog. But he probably shouldn't cross your path, anyway. ROLL BACK, MOTHERFUCKER! That's gold, jenn.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 6:05:00 PM  
Blogger justJENN said...

Oh Jesus, Rokes. If someone is all up in yo biznass while you are doing yoga they are trying to get some action. HELLO: MOVE BACK MOTHERFUCKER

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Rokes said...

Jenn, it was a GIRL, and her freakin' stinkin' feet were all up in my face!! SO ANNOYING!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger sko_G knits said...

uhm...what's with you and all your expired things around your house?!?! get "ol'lady" to check every bottle in your house!!! hahahaa

Thursday, January 25, 2007 9:16:00 AM  
Anonymous kat said...

You really don't want to know how expired a lot of stuff in my house is.

Did I tell you that Johnny Depp & I were born in the same town? We probably both visit it as much as the other one but I'll admit to having relatives there.

Don't mess with a woman with carseats...

Sunday, January 28, 2007 1:16:00 PM  
Anonymous casapinka said...

OMG, between the tuna salad cones and the RBMF I about peed my pants! HEE!

Monday, February 05, 2007 10:47:00 AM  

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