Long as you know, that, I could have any man I want to,
Baby that's actual and that's factual
1. Let's get this straight, the only thing I hate more than mayonnaise, is polka dots, so. You get the picture. I made the Kid some tuna salad cones with the leftover mini cones from the ice cream party. DENIED. He had no interest whatsoever so I ended up eating it - only to look at the mayo bottle and see it expired...Jan 2007. Not that bad, but bad enough for me.
2. That tiny area, below my shoulder, left of my boob, right before my armpit? It hurts. Like, killer hurts. WTF?
3. The Kid just came up real close to me. Looked me in the eye and said, "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES." Cute...yet still spooky. (check out this youtube video. Johnny Depp touching himself is funny. That didn't come out quite right...)
4. I spent all day putting eyedrops in cause my eyes were super dry. Midafternoon I looked at the bottle and it had expired in Nov 06. Gross.
5. I was in my car singing along to TLC's "Baby, baby, baby," when I felt this...BUMP. The guy behind me hit me. I looked in my rearview mirror, nothing. No acknowledgement. For some reason I decided to put on my brake. Get out of the car. In rush hour traffic, mind you. Walk right up to his headlights and yell, "WHAT THE FUCK? You know you hit me, right? ROLL BACK MOTHERFUCKER!"He stayed in his car. I kept standing there. He wasn't getting out. I looked at my bumper and assessed that there was no damage. So I gave him one more "ASSHOLE" and I got back in the car.
a. He didn't shoot me.
b. Anyone who is afraid of a 5'-1" asian chick yelling at them deserves to be called ASSHOLE in the middle of the street, I say.
Yeah, that last one is probably mostly why I am going to die. Someday. But hey, if you're gonna mess with my car at least give me a courtesy wave. Dick. More importantly - mmm, Johnny Depp.