Saturday, March 31, 2007

A Question of Lunch

They had me. They really did. I adore Depeche Mode, and when they announced that Dave is opening a restaurant in New York - my favorite band, my favorite place - I got really excited. Then I hit the menu... it's seriously f*ed up.

I couldn't stop laughing while I read through the whole thing, it was hilarious! I do not think it's a good idea to pun your songs with food items. Luckily I just checked the date and realized...THIS IS THEIR APRIL FOOL'S DAY JOKE. Dicks. I wish it was real, so that I could order a 'World Full of Nachos' just so I could say that I did.

gamelord: it's awesome! you just can't see the genius in it.
Jenn: I am going to go there just so I can order a MILKSHAKE THE DISEASE.
gamelord: i need to get there.
Jenn: You better hurry, it won't last long, I guarantee you.
gamelord: ye of little faith (and devotion).
Jenn: "Ok, I'll have a...ENJOY THE SOUP, and OF LUST and...oh a GET THE BURGER RIGHT. Thanks."
gamelord: genius!

Friday, March 30, 2007

better than anything else that I've tried

I love the Haagen Daaz website. The pictures are so crystal clear. It makes me want to sample every flavor. And I like that they put the Mayan Chocolate in a molcajete**, how stereotypical.
Haagen Daaz in Japan was cool, because they had the funkiest stuff. A 'sundae' with green tea ice cream, mochi balls, sweet red bean, it was delish. However THIS craziness makes me want to puke my guys out:

from asianemo's flickr: cuttlefish ice cream

If you don't know what cuttlefish is...well, it shouldn't be made into ice cream is all I'm saying. Then again, cuttlefish shouldn't be chocolate dipped either. ~shudder~

**Yes I looked that up. I own one, even, and couldn't think of the name.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

You know what's worse than regurgitated milk and waffles? Regurgitated milk and waffles all over your pretty work outfit. After this week of the Baby waking up at 4:30am - EVERYDAY, I was determined to make this the smiliest best day ever. Turns out, not so much. I took the Kid to school, and when I hugged him goodbye, he coughed and promptly barfed all over me. Nice work sucka.

So he and I stayed home and watched Monsters Inc. (4 times) and ate popsicles. Having today off has allowed me to do things I can't do at work, such as read about the CHINESE WIGGLES.

Or blow up this new punching bag. I am an idiot because I did not realize that there is a valve to make it easier on your lungs and have the thing blow up in 10 minutes. Oh, nooo. Me? I took 2 hours and nearly died of a collapsed lung, gasping, "Mommy...just...needs to...lay down...for..........a minute."

Forget all that. If this doesn't make you laugh, then you are a souless bastard.

This one is funny too but only for the first 2 minutes, then I was kinda over it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

You only tell me you love me, when you're drunk

Thanks for all the blog recommendations, and hey - thanks for the love too. I know for a fact that one boy is my biggest fan, but the rest of you, I had no idea. It always amazes me that people enjoy reading this blog. Seriously.

The Baby woke up crying at 4:30am. I gave him a popsicle to shut him up. I just realized that was a horrible mistake and he will now expect it every night. Dammit. I am an idiot.

Since I was up, I cleaned out the pantry. Threw out old stuff, anything with an expiration date that says "Good until 2005" probably shouldn't be fed to the Baby, I'm guessing. I also found a giant bottle of Vodka which is so odd, because I don't even drink. Or maybe I do? Am I too drunk to know? Am I drunk now?

I put the giant bottle on the ground next to the trash. Mistake, again. I heard sloshing and looked up and saw the Baby had ambled over there, spoon in hand - (where the hell did he get a spoon from anyway?) trying to get the top off. No pictures of that here, I don't need child services on my ass. On second thought, maybe if I gave him Vodka at 4:30am, I'd finally get some sleep around here.

True fact: Monkeys like Vodka.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Steppin' up

The Kid wanted waffles for dinner. The Kid gets waffles for dinner.

I looked up longingly at the waffle maker, realizing I'd never be able to reach it by myself. Ah, the sad existence of a short person. Do you have to cut 6" off your new jeans? When you carry shopping bags do they drag on the ground? When you check in to a hotel do you have to stand on your tippy toes to see the concierge over the counter? I'm guessing no. This is my life. ~sigh~ This is what I contemplate as I sadly go and get the stepstool and reach for the waffle maker.

More importantly than my shortness, I have a question - what is your favorite blog to read? I am looking for new blogs, most of the ones I used to read either stopped being or...I just don't. I'd like to, it just takes a certain something to capture my attention *daily*, I guess.

So if you have a blog, let me know, and give me your recommendations too.

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Jim: I’ve just decided that we’re not doing anything, until you get the chips that you require. So I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Hey. Chex Mix BOLD Party Blend is delish. I wonder how much more awesomer it'd taste if it was called 'EXTREME CHEX MIX TO THE MAX (exclaimation point!)?' That much better, I'd suspect. Still, I don't eat the pretzels, I just eat all the cereal and thusly am left with a giant bag of pretzels and crap.

What else don't I like to eat? Hm. Purple Skittles. The inside of a crusty loaf of bread. The black half of a black and white cookie. The last few sips of any drink. Red or Blue M&Ms.

Much like Jack Sprat, I need to find a companion to eat my pretzel remnants and other bits I leave behind.

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You came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday without any warning

I believe the Army's slogan used to be, 'We do more before 9am than you do all day.' There's a good reason they probably don't use that anymore, because it's bullsh*t. Granted, they kill more people than me, but it doesn't mean I don't think about it. Here's a list of things I did Sunday morning before 9am.

1. Made Cinnamon Vanilla Waffles for the kids.
2. Did the dishes.
3. Started a load of laundry. Never finished it. I do a load a day. A LOAD A DAY, people. Ridiculous.
4. Made blueberry muffins. I'm sick of waffles.
5. Listened to the Kid scream at the Baby, "That is NOT OK," as the baby touched the whipped cream on his waffles.
6. Cleaned up Baby's whipped cream face.
7. Did a second batch of dishes.
8. Made spam musubi for lunch later in the day.
9. Watched the Baby put whipped cream in his hair. Waited for him to finish doing that.
10. Took out the trash. Picked up the paper.
11. Cleaned up Baby's whipped cream hair.
12. Did a second batch of dishes.
13. Watched the Baby spit milk on the ground and laugh.
14. Cursed my vagina for having two kids.
15. Changed the kid's clothes and washed them up.
16. Did the dishes for a third time.

Finally, I sat down to read the paper and eat a hot-out-of-the-oven-muffin, which was now cold. Just as I was about to take a bite, I heard, "That is NOT OK." I looked at the clock, it said '8:23am.' Son of a b*tch. I realized that my day was just beginning...

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Saturday, March 24, 2007

Jim:I definitely overhear some wedding preparation...and we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.

Hey, you bastards. I order something at the beginning of March and you won't be shipping it until the end of April? What's up with that? The worst thing is, you didn't even have the decency to tell me, I had to snoop around and find out for myself. This is how you treat our relationship? Screw you. I should totally break up with you but I am emo and a sucker for pain, obviously. I'm sorry, baby. Take me back. Please?

Let me instead give you FIVE online stores that I adore and that have never spurned my love:

Gosh this stuff is cute. It's cute factor is due to it's hom-i-ness in design, and yes, it can be PotteryBarnKids-esque, but don't let that scare you off. It's good quality and most important to me, excellent design. Oh and good return policy. Amen to that.

While I am usually a Victoria's Secret devotee, I do recommend this site for other things that are, well, cheaper. Yes, I know, some people think buying bras and panties online is weird, but I do like this site a lot. Mostly cause it sorts by size quickly.

Need I say why? I love me some Target, but the online store actually has a wider variety of products and sometimes cheaper prices. I got the Hello Kitty waffle maker here, 'nough said.

My family is very Southern, what can I say. I bought these pralines for my mom for Mother's Day one year and she said they were great! Mmm. Sugar.
5. www.perpetualkid.comThis place has a bunch of cute things. Think: great unique gifts. I love everything here, it's all completely useless, but boy it will bring a smile to your friend's faces.
There you go. Five internet stores that are a-ok. More 'Five' things coming your way soon. Five kitchen products I adore. Five great cookie recipes. I got a bunch of 'em piled up in draft format. Any other ideas for 'Five...somethings" you wanna hear about from me? Probably not. Fine. You are just like Fickle motherf*ers.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Sweet dreams

No new Office tonight, AGAIN. However by getting to visit the set this week, I got MY Office fix, so I am set. If you are a nerd and need some Jenna Fischer, there's always naked Jenna via Wired magazine.

I mentioned I went to Leda's Bakeshop in the Valley. My word, those are some damn fine cupcakes. They even make special ones for a kid's palette. They had mini cupcakes, which OF COURSE are better than regular ones, cause you can get a bunch of different flavors and not get full. Also, I gotta say, any bakeshop that let's you eat all the samples you want? Well, that's all good in my book. WORTH going to the Valley for. Check out more pretty cupcakes at my flickr.

Speaking of sweets, here's a little something. These 'Sweet Treat' notecards are packaged up as a boxed set of two designs. They are availiable to stationery stores across the country. 'Course there's no telling which stores are carrying them, lame...because I am obviously no good at this whole self-promotion thing. Oh well. If you happen to see them, know that they are mine. Even if there are...yes...polka dots on the packaging! Can you believe it?

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words — hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

Four things that are awesome and one thing that sucks ass:
1. In addition to my everyday readers, 1300 other people read this blog today due to being featured on USA Today's Pop Candy. If you come back tomorrow you will be disappointed to find that this is NOT a blog about the Office, it's mostly about cooking and my lame stories.

2. Hey shoppers, new gift with purchase on the site!

3. The 15 month old has potty trained himself. He pointed to his diaper and said, "POOP", then went to the toilet. I put him down, and he did. Boy genius.

4. Mini cupcakes at Leda's Bakeshop. Mmm. Good stuff. Yes, I went to the Valley to get them, but don't tell anyone.

5. I look like I have pinkeye. I DON'T have pinkeye. But I look awful.

I bet you can tell which one sucks ass. Hint: eye. ouch.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Where's my freakin' phone??

Today Jodi and Nanette and I visited Jodi's friend Dave at his office. Not just any office, he works at one very special office in particular....
That's right, today we visited the set of The Office and went to DUNDER MIFFLIN! Dave is an editor on the show (he won an award for 'Casino Night'), he's a friend of Jodi and all around sweet guy. He gave us the full tour of the set and behind the scenes.
Sadly, most of the main cast was already done shooting (sorry Jim fans), but we met all the rest of the cast who were super friendly and nice. It was weird walking down the hall and running into Oscar, Kevin and Creed.

We had lunch there and saw B.J. Novak (Ryan) and Mindy Kaling (Kelly). We watched them film some upcoming episodes and got a sneak peek at things to come. It was surreal being on set. We hung out in Michael Scott's office, sat in Jim's chair and even answered Pam's phone. It was very cool, and so much fun for Office super fans like us!

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Monday, March 19, 2007

I love cats. I just can't eat a whole one.

Ok. The Hello Kitty waffle maker is super cute. Mainly because it makes four MINI waffles. I mean, who can pass up a mini waffle in the shape of a cat head??

The kids seem to love it too. This place has now become the House of Waffles. HOW. Having gone through two boxes of Costco size VANS frozen waffles, and making Hello Kitty waffles from scratch every weekend, I have come up with a pretty tasty and easy recipe.

My recipe for Cinnamon Vanilla Waffles, HERE.

*check out this blog tomorrow for exciting news. Big news, people. BIG.*

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope

Today I watched people get naked and have graphic sex. Yup, I went to the opera. We have season tickets to the L.A. Opera and this season they are trying to 'modernize' them. I don't really agree with this new format, but whatever.

For this season's Tannhauser they warned that there is 'some nudity'...uh, that's putting it mildly. The first half hour there were about 30 people completely naked having simulated sex. Raunchy orgy porn sex. Good lord. I am not a prude, but I was like, hello - where's the singing?

I get why they did it, but still. As with most Wagner, the story just dragged on. We actually left after the second act it got to be too boring. Which is sad. We never leave the opera early, but it was a good thing we did, cause I got to take a picture of this:
I have been hoping to see one of these 'revamped' Star Wars USPS mailboxes. I think R2 looks right at home next to the very futuristic Disney Concert Hall.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Riddle me this

myra said...
What?! Dream bigger Jenn.Oh I got one. Have you ever cooked a dish that came out awful? Not possible, knowing you.

I have never had a baking disaster - a cooking disaster? I am sure I have, I just can't think of one. I know one thing, I made this recipe and it was the worse tasting thing I have ever made. Stupid Paula Deen and her chomping and slurping and saying, 'these are sooooo goood." Paula Deen's cream biscuits, not good at all.

Jodi said...
Only once? I either don't believe that or am getting you confused with Nanette.

You are getting me confused with Nanette.

Jen14221 said...
Where did you meet your husband, and how long did you date before you were married?

I don't talk about my husband here because he doesn't exist. (Oh, and 7 years.)

Beth said...
when are you going to open your own store so we can all eat those cakes and delicious things you make? ;)

I've been asked to be a caterer many times. I've always said no. I think it'd take the fun out of it for me.

Anonymous said...
England? Why would you want to come here? You'd have to give up a huge range of foods: I'm always astonished by the variety of your diet!

You mean my diet of Skittles and Gatorade? I have never been, but it's the one place I have always wanted to go.

Friday, March 16, 2007

I'm not trying to tell you anything you didn't know when you woke up today

Answers to your questions:
Jodi said...
Do you have a standard pinkberry order and if so, what is it?

I have only been there once and I've gotta say, I can't get over that yogurt-y taste. The design pulls me in for sure. But, hm. I'll take fattening ice cream instead, thanks.

Lady Librarian said...
So glad that you're feeling better. My question is - what's thebest gig you've ever been to? Hmm?

The best show I have ever been to was Depeche Mode at the Rose Bowl. Here's one of my fave songs from 101.

Nanette said...
If you could only meet one cast member of The Office, who would it be and why?

Well, seeing as how you want to kidnap John Krasinski, and I would most likely have to bail you out of jail and not be an accomplice to your acts, I would have to say Pam/Jenna, cause she seems really fun to hang out with.

Lissete said...
Glad you're feeling better!!Why do fools fall in love????

Why do birds sing so gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Maria said...
If you could go on vacation for free anywhere for two weeks, where would you go?


Dee said...
there's further west you can go...what are we chopped liver?

Not that I know of. But this might help.

myra said...
dream job?

When I was a kid I wanted to work for Hello Kitty. Did that. I also wanted to work for Disney as an Imagineer. Did that too. I have always wanted to get my designs recognized and sell it somewhere big. Done. Now I've got nothin'.

big_girlfeet said...
who's your most favoritest illustrator? :))( i don't mind that you used my illo, 'cuz you're you and you're cool, tho' it was a bit of a surprise when i saw it smiling back at me this a.m.!)

You are awesome and I forgot to tell you that I used it, but I credited you! Fave illustrator. That's hard. I actually can't really give you an answer on that one.

I'll still answer questions if you've got them, cause I'm still fresh out of blog-worthy stuff.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Anyone? Anyone?

The weather here is fine and dandy. Spring has sprung and that is a very good thing.

Also excellent news on the health front, I'm well. WELL, dammit! Thank god. It feels so good to be back to normal, well, 98%, I can't tell you.

Meanwhile I have been yelling at the Kid like crazy, and he has been challenging me to no end. I have solidified my place in the universe as the world's worst mother and I feel like packing my things and heading west. Except I am west. So I guess I'll just stay put.
In other news, I've got no news, so I guess I'll take a dangerous hint from Nanners and open the floor to questions. Anyone?
Cute image courtesy of Hula-la.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Big fish

Instead of telling you about how I drove myself to the emergency room last night at 2am, only to leave once I realized that I wouldn't be seen - considering other people were close to bleeding out their eyeballs and still had to wait two hours, no, instead I will tell you about food.

It's weird how different these two kids are. The Kid loves pasta, could care less about meat. Meanwhile the Baby is a straight up carnivore. He refuses anything else. It has to be dead animal or nothing. Pork chops, meatloaf, ham, it's kind of tough to keep up with, cooking-wise and financially. If he's only one now, I can't imagine feeding him at 17.

Here is a my recipe for Teriyaki Salmon that even the Kid will eat. Of course for him, I have to disguise it and have a little fun with it. I mix up the salmon with rice and make little musubis in the shape of a boy or a bear or something. He thinks it's fun, and doesn't even realize that I am tricking him. Ha. Sucker.

Teriyaki Salmon recipe, HERE.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Loves young dream could be alien, strange ways I would fly

My dreams seem real. There are colors, smells, sounds, tastes. I wake up and think they have actually happened. I am starting to wonder if this trait is passed down. The other night the Kid woke up every hour on the hour (Hi 2:12am. Hello 3:20am. Oh 4:15. Ugh 5:05.) to tell me that 'something was bothering him'. Ew. Creepy. If he starts saying he sees dead people, I am outta here.

While not all traits are genetic, many are learned. I used to think you could only make tuna salad in a plastic bowl. That's how my mom did it. I also noticed that the Kid asks for ketchup for his eggs...something I do...something that my dad did. Man - you can really screw with a child if you wanted to.

Do other people do things the way their parents do? I bet, you just didn't notice it. Now I am starting to wonder what other things I do (besides the swearing) that he will innately pick up...

Lane Myer: "She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile."

The one day I take a sick day - it's the most beautiful day ever in Southern California and I am too miserable to enjoy it. Phooey.

Being on a plethora of drugs and having no kids at home, lets me do crazy things like watch my Julia Child French Chef dvds. I don't get to watch I want usually, because the moans of "PETER PAN. PETER PAN." 50 times makes me give in. Here's a lesson, if you want me to do something for you just repeat it over and over. Eventually you will win out.

I love Julia Child. She takes cooking and makes it easy. Understandable. Dishes with fancy names are broken down into simple steps that anyone can do, and she is not afraid to make mistakes. Her shows are classic and she can teach these new horrible food network 'celebr-i-chefs' a thing or two about real cooking.

Another crazy thing I did while sick, was buy a tube top. Clearly this was a result of the meds.

(Quite obviously, that skinny person in the picture is not me.)


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Monday, March 12, 2007

Death becomes her

I am miserable. Cranky. Tired. Cry-y. I actually pulled peas out of the freezer and thought to myself, "These peas are depressing me."

This little cold that was nothing, has suddenly turned into SOMETHING. I actually couldn't physically move for four hours today. I thought I had died and no one told me.

What I did while I was sick:
1. Consumed 64oz of lemon-lime Gatorade.
2. Watched the Kid take off his shorts and run in a circle yelling, "Look at me - NO PANTS!"
3. Drank half a bottle of Nyquil. (Didn't do jack.)
4. Cursed the deciders of DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
5. Gave the remote to the Kid and ended up watching 'Monsters, Inc.' six times.
6. Attempted to eat a cookie. Put it down after one bite. Not wanting to eat cookies is a sure sign of the apocalypse.
7. Coughed all over the kids so that the circle of sick will continue on forever.

It's sad being sick. Especially when your three year old gets you kleenex and pats your back and says, "It's going to be ok, momma." That's just about as depressing as frozen peas.

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

You're much too young, to be a part of me
Too young, to get a hold on me

When we went to my brother's wife's house for lunch recently, her family sat O.G. down, brought her food, coffee, fawned over her and made sure she was well taken care of. She leaned over to me and said:

O.G.: "What is with these people?"
Jenn: "Apparently they treat their elders with respect, not like our family."
O.G.: "You're tellin' me."

And so my Grandpa's 90th birthday went the way he wanted. Him holed up in his room watching the History channel, while we ate chicken and waffles and partied without him. That is until we all busted into his bedroom and yelled, 'Happy Birthday, get up - we want cake dammit!'

And he did.

Stack it up

I woke up and decided to make a 4 layer cake. Why? I have no idea. These things just pop into my head. Nevermind that I have never made a layered cake before. I have seen it done on tv and seen my mother do it, so how freakin' hard could it be? I also have never had a baking disaster in my life, believe it or not. I have never set the house on fire, or had a cake fall flat. Nope. So I figured I had nothing to lose.

It was pretty damn easy. I used a good hearty yellow cake recipe with vanilla frosting. I really wanted to do something else, but sadly the Kid can't have chocolate OR food coloring and it'd be sad if he couldn't partake. I let him pick our side sprinkles and decorate the top with gumdrops. We are going to give this '90th birthday' cake to the old man tomorrow.

The Kid is a natural baker. He loves to help mix and pour, whenever I cook. Meanwhile, I gave the baby a wooden spoon to 'help' mommy and instead used it to try and take me out at the kneecaps. That one ain't going to culinary school.

Layer cake how to, HERE.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Experience has made me rich, and now they're after me

No Office. Again. Makes me sad.

People often ask me what my fave________is. Do I know a good_____. Or where did I get________. All of this info is stuck in my head, so I thought I'd post some different ones here every week. ** Unless you think it's a lame idea. Then I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Thanks.

justJENN's faves:
Fat Witch Brownies - Chelsea Market, New York
These are, hands down, the best brownies ever. SO GOOD. Every time I'm in New York I try to pick some up. Usually at O.G.'s insistence..."Are you going to New York? BUY ME BROWNIES." Java Witch is my fave.
Tracey Thorn - "Out of the Woods"
If you know me, I am a huge, HUGE fan of EBTG. I have been waiting for this cd since forever. It's out in a few weeks. You best believe it's pre-ordered.

Babystyle is the best store for you and your hip kid. When I saw these shoes I just about fainted I wanted them so bad...FOR MYSELF. Sure, I wanted them for my boys too, but at $42 a pop, it was a no. Still, damn cute.

Star Wars exhibit - California Science Center, Los Angeles, CA
Yes, I am a nerd. My friend called me and he insisted that "JENN YOU MUST GO, IT'S AWESOME." I just haven't had the chance. I know I am setting myself up by posting this before I go, because the lines are going to be killer and I will want to die, since I hate crowds. However: life size Millennium Falcon. How could you not want to see this??

**This is not to be confused with mipmup's Friday Favorites. Hers is way more articulate. Mine won't always be posted on Friday, either. I'm an enigma like that.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

My Grandpa is turning 90 this week. My mom said she found a birthday card for him. How many of those "HEY, YOU'RE 90!" cards do you think they sell a year? I'd bet it's a small market. What do you get a 90 year old? The same thing you'd get a one year old I assume. Soft foods and diapers.

We're supposed to have a party. But seeing as how my Grandpa hates all people, I don't know what we will be doing. I know that O.G. has said that SHE wants waffles. I don't think my grandpa even eats waffles, therefore you can bet we are having waffles. What is it with this family and waffles??
It is also my mom's birthday. I got her a jar of her fave Rotkohl, pickled red cabbage, because we are German like that. While at the German market I couldn't resist buying Kinder-Eggs. I love those things.
When I lived in Italy for a short while, I loved Kinder-Eggs, but loved the Perugina chocolate eggs for Easter, even more. Anything you can bust open, really, is a good thing. It's like opening Al Capone's vault but instead of Geraldo finding jack sh*t, you'd find chocolatey goodness and a Smurf.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Win, win situation

Wanna win something?
Go here.
Sorry, it's not lotto money, but maybe...just as good? Eh. Who am I kidding.


You can't always get what you want.

I'm sick. Again. That's not normal, really. Usually, I am either on my deathbed or healthy. No in between. Lately I have become the catcher of all colds. The sad thing I realized is, that after you have kids, no one takes care of you. You are the caretaker, sick or no. I can't take off work and sip ginger ale while watching Oprah like I want to. No, I have to get up, get the kids to school and go to work, come home and still make sure they are well fed and taken care of. It's unfair. No one takes care of you, no one cares what you want.

I thought about this as I dragged my tired ass to work. "What do I want?" I thought. "What would make me happy?" Then it hit me a Twix. It was so bad I could actually taste it. It was weird. I don't *love* Twix - in fact I haven't eaten a Twix since Halloween, I think.

I sat at my desk and coughed and hacked but I couldn't work. I just wanted that candy. So I hunted in the bottom of my purse for loose change and headed over to the deli. There it was on the shelf, one of those long boxes with the punched out top that said TWIX. I reached my hand in....empty. Son of a b*tch.

So I went back to my office and sulked. I didn't even feel like eating it anymore but I just wanted it. When I got off of work I veered into the nearest Target. Surely they would have a Twix there. Down the candy aisle. Nothing. Down the cookie aisle. Nope. I cursed God's name because he is the creator of Twix, you see. Sure they had an 80lb bag, but I just wanted one. One little candy bar.

It had to be in the checkout. I headed down each and every lane and can you believe, no goddam Twix. Right before it was my turn I decided to check one more aisle...and there it was. FINALLY. I got what I wanted.

Now it's sitting here in front of me and I have no desire to eat it at all. In fact the thought of chocolate is making me want to vomit. But at least I got what I wanted. Oh yes. I won.

Hm. Not at all really. I kinda feel stupid. Crap.

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Eddy: "I know the play you would have written. It’d make Mommy Dearest look like Winnie the Pooh!"

Anyone want me to live with them? I'll do your laundry, cook you 3 meals a day, WITH cookies and assorted baked goods on the side. I'll read you two books before you go to sleep and tuck you in to bed. AND I give nice hugs. Always a plus. Cause you know what? I am unappreciated. I made some good chicken for the kids and they didn't even touch it. Damn.

Look at the Kid's dinner. Out of all of this he ate ONE olive and the heads off the broccoli. THAT IS ALL HE ATE. Good lord. What a little supermodel.

The chicken was delish, actually. I put all the ingredients in a bag and marinated it, then baked it. Amazingly tasty for such a short ingredient list.

So if you want me to move in, let me know. The only caveat is that I won't be rubbing lotion on your bum. Sorry. Could be a dealbreaker.

Recipe for Lemon Oregano Chicken, HERE.

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Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since, I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself.

I woke up this morning to the sweet sound of pissing. No, I don't have hobos living down the street - the Kid has learned how to move the step stool to the toilet, raise the seat, take a whiz, use toilet paper to clean up, and flush. Gone are the pre-6am cries of "I HAVE TO PEE. HELP ME." He is still too wee to reach the faucet though, so I do have to wake up to help with that. But I don't mind 'cause I don't care if boys don't wash hands, MY BOYS wash their hands.

The Kid is on a waffle kick of mass proportions. He wakes me up with "I WANT WAFFLES, I WANT WAFFLES...PLEASE." Every single morning at 6am. It's the only thing that he willingly eats, so I give him what he wants. We've been having them for dinner too, that is how much he loves him some waffles.

I was waking up at dawn and making them from scratch every morning, until my husband decided that was retarded and went to Costco and bought a giant box of frozen Vans brand ones. Vans were voted #1 by Real Simple for frozen waffle, and I don't blame them, they come out quite nice. However, they are just square and boring, and aren't quite as cute, you see - cause I make mine in the Mickey Mouse waffler. The Kid doesn't give a crap, as long as he can get his waffle on. Me? I miss the cuteness. Even if I have to wake up at 6am. So I just bought this:

That should solve my cuteness problem. Aw, yeah boy! Look for tasty HK waffle pics coming your way!

(The Baby is doing better. Thanks for the emails and comments of concern. Still, he's not 100% yet. He has these inexplicable fits of rage about once a day and since he can't talk I can only wonder and worry what is wrong. )

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

Michael: You know what, I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding, and his kindness healed my foot.

Guess what? Nothing angers a baby more than being woken up at 5am from a deep sleep and driven off somewhere against his will. I don't blame him. We got to the hospital and they weren't even sure they were going to operate. They were doing his ears you see, and he had to be put out by gas mask. But he had a slight cold, and when they do anesthesia the lungs are collapsed and they weren't sure if he'd...wake up. No mother needs to hear that.

We sat waiting, when they brought another kid into our room. The mom looked at me and said to the nurse, "We want our own room." Hey. I feel you beyotch, but you could have said it nicer. Whatever. Her ugly baby wouldn't shut up so good thing we were left alone.

I think the Baby's nose was running due to crying since we were given the world's most retarded nurse. She put the blood pressure cuff on him, which enraged him as it was, but after 20 minutes of HUH? and him screaming bloody murder, she realized that she forgot to plug it in. That pushed me over the edge. But things cleared up, and he was good to go. When the anesthesiologist came, the Baby was calm. He waved a tiny goodbye to me and that was it. No fuss. No crying. That's when my heart broke. Having my little one year old taken from my arms and watching him go down the hall to surgery was complete heartache.

Later the doctor came back and said all went well, however the baby's ears were much worse than he thought. It was so inflamed that the eardrum was weak and there could have been some real damage had we not done the surgery today. Yikes. Seeing a doctor concerned is never a good thing...

The baby is home. He is bleeding from the ears which is just as disgusting and scary as you can imagine, but he's happy. And that's all that matters. You can already tell that he can hear things that he had never heard before. Like the Kid yelling at 6am, "MOMMY! WAFFLES!...PLEASE!" I think I'd rather be deaf.

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Friday, March 02, 2007

Everybody get random. Jus' do somethin' random. Everybody get random.

Jenn's random list of crap info:

1. BBD told me, "Never trust a big butt with a smile." Ain't that the truth. Sing it, brutha.

2. While I don't sell jack on my etsy, other people's stuff is the bomb diggity, yo. Like this: Awesome pendants. I just bought an elephant. Get your own. $1 shipping!!

3. Frozen yogurt in L.A. is hardcore gangsta, bitches!

4. A teacher told me that my kids were the best dressed in school. Somehow...I don't think that's better than, say, 'smartest'.

5. I want this apron. But I want it as a dress. Is that wrong? I guess since there is no back...yes. It is wrong.

6. I just added these cards to the shop. They are the G-rated version of my original 'curse-ive' cards. In case you don't have a potty mouth. Like I do.

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Everything I've ever done. Everything I ever do. Every place I've ever been. Everywhere I'm going to.

Even though there is no Office tonight, this day is way better than yesterday. This blog theft BS puts a hitch in your groove, I'm telling you. I know a blogger whose identity was stolen when someone put up a fake myspace page for her AND stole pictures of her kid. That's a big no no, right there. Her writing was excellent. I think she had like 6000 readers a day at one point. But now because of the thievery, she doesn't blog. Period. I'd like to kick that thief in the nuts. But mostly just because I like to say the word 'nuts.'

I am very paranoid when it comes to pictures. I try to keep all the kids pictures private. Jodi posted a picture of me on flickr yesterday, but not before I cried out, MAKE THAT PRIVATE DAMMIT. I am paranoid. Did I say that already? Yeah. So today the Baby went for his pre-op and one of the nurses was so infatuated with him that she took a picture of him with her camera phone before I could protest. I felt like going all Sean Penn on her ass, but then again these are the people who will be responsible for his anesthesia. So I let it go.

More importantly, I got these post-its that are too cute. I used them at work when I was redlining my project. I put the drawing set on my co-worker's desk and told him I'd check his progress tomorrow. When I saw him the next day he was cracking up. I told him that I was trying to make sure he was paying attention.

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